Feeling My Pulse

I have found that blogging is a good way for me to feel my own pulse. I read through my past posts, and it puts me at a time and place in my life. There are so many moments I find blog-worthy. Ironically, I find it hardest to write about things I enjoyed the most. I wanted to write a great review to a play that I saw, or a trip that I took, but I was paralyzed on how to begin. I remember the advice from writing books I’ve read tell me to begin, and I do. I’m currently sitting on a collection of drafts that I’m waiting for a wave of inspiration to roll through me so I can finish them off one evening with a glass of red wine.

Actually, it’s more like I’m waiting for this fatigue to finish wearing off so that when I do write, it can be pretty and clever, instead of tired and spent like I’ve been feeling. I was having one of those weeks were if I was a smoker in remission, I would have picked up a cigarette and had a long drawn out puff that would have shattered my months or even years of being smoke free. And, I wouldn’t even have cared. That’s why I haven’t ever tried to smoke. I know I would be addicted.

I didn't want to blog until I resolved what I was feeling at work. "At least I got a job… in this economy." became my mantra. I was hoping it would make me appreciate my job more. It didn’t. Even my usual Sunday morning run with the kids became stressed when my oldest teased my youngest about being competitive since he took the lead. At the end of the run, I knew I was out of patience so I put myself on time out on the parking lot curb between two cars without saying a word. I knew I had to change my outlook in order for things to really get better. I’m a master at the self-help concepts. I just have to find a hole of space and time to crawl into to do some meditation and visualization techniques without getting interrupted. The thing is people and obligations kept finding me. Even in the parking lot that day, one of the other runners in our group gave me a curious look and came to see what I was doing. I had family visiting, a birthday party to host, beautiful things that are part of life that we take for granted when we get anxious about the wrong things. At most I was able relax for a few moments but the anxiety was always right there underneath the surface. 


Then one evening, after my visiting family had left and things had gone back to normal, I went out to my balcony and stared out at the sky from my patio recliner in between reading Eat, Love, Pray. I saw planes pass by overhead that looked liked they were swimming across the sky. Slowly and finally, I began to feel more relaxed. Just like Molly Bang’s Sophie in the children’s book, When Sophie Gets Angry- Really, Really Angry, after seeing the stars and feeling the night’s cool breeze, the "wide world" comforted me. I climbed back down from my balcony to my house that was still a little loud and a little messy, but this time this Sofie wasn’t angry any more.